Illegal Ejaculation

This is a developing story. We will update you as the situation develops.

In a historic and far-reaching decision, the U.S. Supreme Court officially declared that the constitutional right to ejaculate for pleasure, no longer exists. 

All over the U.S. men are confused, angry, heartbroken. Men have ejaculated for pleasure since the dawn of time, but as of today, mating is the only time where ejaculation is legal. 

Now the BIG question, what does this mean for everyday life? Here’s what we’ve found. 

• CVS & Rite Aid are limiting the number of lotions you can buy to 3 bottles per customer, to ensure equitable access and consistent supply on store shelves

• Elected officials are currently debating, if being orally pleased by a 2^nd party is in violation of the new law, or if it’s a loophole? 

• A conservative legal organization, is drafting model legislation for lawmakers that would allow private citizens to sue anyone who helps, a resident of a state that has banned ejaculation, get off.

• Republican-led state legislatures are advancing plans to stop people in states where, ejaculating for pleasure is banned, from crossing states lines to get a load off. 

• Some states are trying to protect the right to ejaculate. Mainly the blue states California, Washington, New York, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Hawaii. 

Now what everyone is wondering is, how did the Supreme Court come to this outrageous decision? If you can believe it. A court of mostly men thought it up. Along with a woman, Amy Coney Barrett, who’s secretly a man herself.

The majority considers, rubbing one out morally shameful. And that, laws ought to be placed on men’s bodies (My opinion: I think their wives were disgusted with the act, forcing them to criminalize wanking)

So, there you have its folks. Uncle Sam is now regulation men’s body parts. Can you believe it? 

Apparently, they don’t think men are capable of making decisions on their own. 

Since they are too emotional, too reckless, and full of rage. And if they rub too hard, they might mutilate their penis. And then, what would happen to the work force, their supposed to birth?